How To Maintain A Healthy Relationship By Breaking Bad (Habits)
It has been two years since the last time that I have been in a relationship. No, not the ones we have every day with people, but the one that involves a female companion. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that time of reflection and mindfulness.
I’ve learned to love and respect myself (and am still learning). I have also learned of the shadow parts of my life that I wanted to change, and have been working at every moment to respond better to others. When it comes to relationship, I think it is good to have a clear idea of what we want from it. For me, naturally that comes to writing it down or creating a blueprint (or guidelines) of it. So here is what I learned as to how to maintain a healthy relationship and what that even looks like.
I don’t claim to be a relationship expert but these are things that I’ve seen in my own experienced and thought I would share it. I hope this may help guide you in your own exploration of what a healthy relationship is. Being able to share what you want and to communicate clearly is very important. Especially with the ones you love.
In comes my naked vulnerable self
I want someone that I can share the love that I have for myself with. Someone that completely appreciates who I am as a person and pushes me to be my better self. She wouldn’t try and change me to be some idea of me that she may have. She would trust that I am working through it with care and compassion with her in mind (ALWAYS with her in mind).
She will do her best to drop her ideas about me as I will do my best drop my ideas about her so that we can share our love for ourselves with each other creating grounds for unconditional love.
I want someone who will push me to let go of my ideas about what a traditional relationship is suppose to look like and to be able to embrace the fact that love IS very clear-sighted.
We are not possessions
I want to have the intention of loving her for who she is, and to not expect her to be any certain way. She is not my possession and I am not her possession. Even in relationship we do not own each other and are very much our complete selves sharing in the experience of love. She is not an object. I am not an object. Our characteristics only point toward our dynamically changing beauty. We will always be changing and new from moment to moment. From this stand point we see that we are new and fresh and still unknown to each other and to be able to recognize we have the opportunity of re-discovery.
As accepting of always being a wonderful work in progress I would gather my strength to be mindful of my old patterns that I do not prefer. I would use that strength and see how those habits do not suit neither of us and transmute that into the dissolving of any anger or irritation as it arises.
Co-operation vs. Domination
Our relating would be a co-operation. It would NOT be domination, where one has say over the other. We will be able to work things out as a team. Because domination implies ownership and like I said above, I do not own the other. I am sharing in this experience of love with them, not expecting a return on an “investment”. This is not a stock trade.
I want a relationship where I can listen to the other and we can find better ways of making our experience smoother and more pleasant together. I would do my best to be clear, concise, and honest to other about my intention.
Communication is key. No communication means no connection. Being vulnerable enough for each dynamic situation. This dynamic vulnerability changes with each circumstance. The possibility of being hurt is always there, but being hurt is not necessarily a bad thing. It can give rise to be able to work through something that could make us both stronger in our journey together.
Being overly vulnerable could also be a bad thing. It could lead to unconsciously being walked all over. So we both would have the opportunity to be mindful of each other in this shared experience. Finding that “middle-way” balance as the Buddha put it, or the story of goldilocks and the three bears. Finding that JUUUSTT RIGHT temperament of porridge to gobble up!
So what are key take away points to how to maintain a healthy relationship:
- Let go of my ideas about myself and other.
- Dropping expectations as much as possible.
- Working as a co-op rather than domination (one controls the other)
- Other is not my possession.
- We are not objects
- Finding a balance of vulnerability for each other.
- Be honest with each other, lying hurts and doesn’t save face at all.
- Communication is key.
- Vulnerability is not a weakness. It is strength because of what courageous act it entails.
Being clear and concise on what we want to make this a wonderful experience together.
That is the breeding ground of unconditional love isn’t it? I’ll leave you with a story of Osho before I finish,
“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.” – Osho